Safety comes from distance, clearly.
Someone lock me in isolation--
blind me, bind me,
cut me, find me
breaking in icewater perspiration.
Set like stones in hazel cement,
my pupils cannot divide the attention.
They hunt you, lust you,
hurt me--must you?
Even your name is sawblades to mention.
From the well of crumpled paper
I watch you taking orders;
cherry tomatoes, garlic, spaghetti.
Talk to him, talk to him...ready?
I slam my fists on our blackening borders.
The women who haunt you are mannikins
crusted in glitter, covered in night.
You kiss them, carress them.
Can't you confess, then?
They've got you trapped on the cross of a kite.
They take you for status, I assume.
Hierarchy dictates a girl and a man.
Speak to me, acknowledge me;
together at the college, we
will sit at the same table, and then...
Hold me, unfold me,
I wish you had told me,
you were as lonely as me.
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Crits are much welcome. Thank you!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
This is really good with the rythm, words, and tone. I really liked this piece of work. Keep up the good work!
-Rick
Fangala!
First of all, let me say that I love this. It's so... excellent. The rhyming scheme is AMAZING!
There's something about this line that's kind of... iffy. Maybe one of the lines is too wordy? As in too many syllables? *shrug*
I LOVE this stanza! The way you said 'hurt me--must you?' is so... pleasing. Not that you're being hurt -- just the way you arranged the rhyming. And the imagery ('set like stones in hazel cement') is very powerful.
My favourite. I like how the last line in every stanza is very powerful, and usually has some great imagery.
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Overall, this is stunning! Gorgeous! I love it!
I'm so sorry that I couldn't be more helpful, though. >.< I never have anything constructive to say about your poems...
Anyways, please keep writing! Your poetry is so beautiful. =)
- Camille
Wow, thanks for all the wonderful crits!
) It's about a girl who's in love with a waiter. That's why she's watching him take orders. Just to clear up the spaghetti part.
And BBB, to answer your question: yes, this poem does have a point. A rather mundane one, may I add (just to be critical on myself.
I'm not a poem type of person, but this was very well written and I thought I'd tell you that. I know you probably hate to not have any critiquing, but it was just really good. Good luck with all of the other stuff you write!
Awesome poem! I especially like the 3rd and 4th lines of each stanza.
I like your poem because it has a nice rhythm to it. Which i really like. XD I don't think there is any crtiquing needed on this poem. Just to say it is very well thought out and planned. One thing i have is that it isn't cliche which is excellent.
Very Good!!! Take Care. SimonCowellLuver
Ugh. This stinks.
Oh, no! Not your poem! It's just that I wrote this big huge long crit for you, and the freaking internet died...
Anyway, I'll redo it!
Awesome work, FFF! Pure brilliance! (I think I said that on the other crit)
I'm not quite sure about this. Maybe you missed something? I think you did. I think that this should read, "Safety comes from A distance, clearly." I don't know. It's up to you. Or I may be losing my marbles. XD
Ok, I don't really understand the whole 'moral' of this poem. It's all nice and spiffy and stuff, but you go from talking about sweat to spegitti...
So, this was good, but I just don't understand it! But I'm blonde, you know!
BBB
Geez, this was great. Your rhythm was ever-changing, but it always worked, and your rhyme scheme really seemed natural, without being forced.
I loved the imagery and language in this one.
This feels like a worthless review, but praise is always good, no? I really liked this work and I really can't find anything to critique.
Awesome, awesome job. I admire you!
Keep up the great work!
~GryphonFledgling
I like the rythm and word use. Very powerful
One of the things I like best about this poem is the rhythm. You kept it the same the whole way through but nothing is forced. And the last stanza just perfects the entire poem. I really can't find anything wrong with this, and I'm sorry that I'm not more helpful... just thought I'd tell you how good I think it is!